Thursday, June 20, 2013

Revisionism

Naming your novel's lead character "Dildette McGlyph," internationally known heiress to a urinal cake manufacturer in Bisbee, Arizona, made most Thomas Pynchon fans feel that he was lapsing into self-parody. That is, until a series of investigative articles in the New Yorker revealed that employees at Pynchon's publishing house were secretly outsourcing all writing under the Pynchon rubric to a series of highly developed wasps.

"I think Tom would just LOVE the idea," crowed a balding man aloud on an empty J train as it hurried under the East River.

"These wasps have no clear concept of my literature," Pynchon later said in a fax to the New York Post. "I have no proof that they understand metaphor, much less even the most generic of cultural references."

Unfortunately, Pynchon's fax merely spawned an entirely new school of Pynchon handwriting theorists, most of whom, it was later revealed in a series of investigative articles in The Atlantic, believed that Pynchon himself was a parasitic queen wasp controlling all media related to the incident. Pynchon's coy about-the-author photo of a yellowjacket on his next novel neither calmed the furor, nor did it cause anyone to chuckle under the age of 62, or anyone living south of 59th Street. In an attempt to put to rest this persistent rumor, Pynchon allowed himself to be filmed that summer eating 17 Peanut Buster Parfaits at a Dairy Queen in Connecticut and then joining the moshpit at a Social Distortion concert, all for an upcoming documentary called "American Badass" which was to be aired on ESPN2. Unfortunately, Pynchon and the entire crew of the film were killed when an errant swarm of approximately four million bald faced hornets attacked them in rural farmland, during the shooting of what would have been the film's final Motocross sequence.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Crepuscular Romance

It was Lothar's opening for his new artisanal hors d'oeuvres shop. I don't know how many linen shirts and seersucker suits I counted. It must be the season. It was unreasonably humid, granted. It felt like I was back in New England on the Friday night yacht club cocktail circuit, pounding Cape Codders and staining my Docksiders with enough spattered oyster liquor so they resembled a Pollack. But I'd left that transient life behind decades ago. If I caught myself drifting into that adolescent reverie, I felt nagged, like the sense of a flea jumping around on your body that you can't catch. No fleas here, though. It was tick season.

The band showed up, but they just mimed, never even playing music or plugging in their instruments - just total silence. Called themselves The Dense. What horseshit. I was annoyed. The only reason I showed up at this opening was to promote my new version of the Montecito Yellow Pages, which was going to be the first phone book that could be injected into a human being's blood stream, and read with a microchip that could be comfortably stapled to your perineum. Dad would call this another one of my "harebrained ideas" but screw him, I'm a goddamn stallion.

"These are actual poached kitten lips," Lothar cooed into the ear of one of his wealthy, Silicon Valley benefactors. "It took hours to remove them." Veined tusks suddenly grew out of his lower molars, piercing both cheeks, as everyone in his immediate range took a few steps back, agog, avoiding the sudden spray. He quickly tried to alleviate their shock. "It'ss jusht...it'shsh..durnt worreh abourt it." This was my cue to gather these startled buffoons with their open wallets and show them the real genius behind a good telephone directory. The strained beauty of its indexing, the velvet nuance of the philately section.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The May Sweeps

"I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" was her favorite song. Predictably she sang it only in her rose garden which she tended like a woman possessed, with burning, scalding hot orange eyes, her body reeking and bestial, while he lay inside on a recliner belching in precise 11/4 meter to that Van Der Graaf Generator tune. Critics called their arrangement "heavenly" and as conceptual artists, with each of their movements generously funded by the Kress Foundation, it couldn't have been more ideal.

That is, until TV's newest detective Ronnie "Poops" McCluggage burst into the room.

"We can either play it my way, or I'll have to get tough," he says, chomping on his unlit cigar, adjusting his visible diaper. He spits: "Which one of you created that installation at the Yale University Art Gallery in 2007? Don't make me ask twice. You know, the one that Rosalind Krauss of the October journal called "...striated...breathing with formative primacy...""

Silence from the couple. "Poops" takes out a grenade.

Poops: I WILL USE THIS.

(LAUGHS)

"Poops" addresses the camera.

Poops: You don't know me. And I don't know you. BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU. And I will BRING YOU TO A FUCKING HALT.

Freeze frame.

Insert graphic: POOPS! He's VERY DANGEROUS!

Announcer: Wednesdays at 9, 8 Central and Mountain.

(LAUGHS)

Pause.

(LAUGHS)


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Total Eclipse of the Nuts


Most everything she said was torn from the day’s headlines – but I had no idea what headlines were, having grown up on a media-free planet torn from the pages of a science fiction dime novel called “The Psychodroids.” But the upshot was the same: I had no idea what she was talking about.

This created a rift, but only conversationally. Physically we were often mistaken for a large, greasy soft pretzel, as we practiced our filthy lovemaking in public: apartment steps, empty basketball courts in frozen winter, with candy wrappers locked against chain link, stuck there until spring, or until a wispy gust allowed them to sail into the water supply.

Further proof that quality conversation need not determine the future of a relationship is requested. Anecdotal evidence will not be considered unless submitted by committee. 


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Not Nearly


I’m not precisely sure when The Eighties began for me, but it was almost certainly around 1980.
It was when rectal exams were required for even the most mundane daily activities.
It was when Genevieve danced on tabletops for boozy Off-Broadway understudies.
It was near the corner of Houston and Avenue B, wherever that big building with the clock on it still sits (Red Square?).
It was when the Farnsworth Museum was caught dry-humping the Bowdoin College archives in a local scandal that old-timers never quite understood.
It took off like a scallop boat at dawn, covered in paste.
It bordered on lunacy. It bordered on abuse. It bordered on the superhuman.
It ripped open our last box of cereal, hands dug deep into Honeycomb looking for some sort of plastic prize.
It was the last time I went down those steps to the beach and looked out over the bight.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

The New Yorker's Fiction Issue


Learning how to tie the full Windsor knot is an important milestone in every young man’s life. But what if you were born without a tie?
Needy children scream wildly as you take each footstep, as you chew every sprouted wheat bun.
Cascading down a sun-dappled banister comes Blaine Crank, also known in the neighborhood as “that kid who levitates every time he re-reads his Mom’s copy of Lawrence Durrell’s Alexandria Quartet.”
“Donald Barthelme is stupid, and you’re a cheap Donald Barthelme.”
He hits me with a tub of bleach and I can’t help but agree before I black out and wake up twenty minutes later, as Blaine feebly attempts to press his limp weenus against my thigh.
“This Donald Barthelme prefers pussy,” I say, and sail out of there like an academic’s dream experiment – determined, lithe, devoid of theory.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Chores


“Mom, it’s Horst’s turn to do the dishes!”
“No fighting, you two.”

But the children had other ideas, and they soon laid waste to the town, burning first their neighborhood, then the entire county, engulfing every living thing in a conflagration that could been seen by satellites.

“This is what we now call the Era of Devastation,” said Dr. Krill, speaking to a room of undergraduates in the year 2098. They’d heard their grandparents speak of those years in hushed tones, with what seemed like pained embarrassment, as if they’d rather reminisce about anything else.

“Dr. Krill? Is that when everyone moved underground?”
“Yes, son. Everyone who had accumulated the proper amount of hot cereal.”

Even the cryptic Dr. Krill, who had taught this class for three decades, would occasionally lapse into twisted reverie, his eyes wide as he stared into the void of their concrete bunker. He would snap back with an uncomfortable burst of shy laughter, run his hands through his matted, ash-colored hair, then shuffle across the room, mouthing a torrent of obscenities that would make even the most hardened criminal blanch.

He had no intention of telling them the actual truth. “I just can’t,” he’d say. “I must describe it in mime.” And then he’d wheel out that palette of stale bagels and begin his inevitable naked writhing.

“Will this be on the exam?”
“Go fuck yourself, Troy!”

Monday, May 20, 2013

Data Speaks for Itself


Recent studies have shown that the more lurid the magazine cover, the more apt college-aged jocks and those with whom they cavort would careen into registers, begging for forgiveness. 9 out of 10 dentists recommended that said jocks and those with whom they cavort be sentenced to the Sorbonne to study with philosopher Jean-Luc Marion, undergoing relentless questioning on the relationship between historic themes of mystical theology and present-day examples of religious out-of-body experiences in suburban Kansas. “They’ll never make it past one semester,” whispered one adjunct to another as a cold wind blew up his boxers, rendering his testicles the size of cashews.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Hold All Applause


With choir practice over, I can finally grab a bite to eat…

This…this will do…this piece of bread…I want this piece of bread….and lemon…good for the voice, lemon….

I won’t fail you…I won’t fail you…please understand me…I won’t fail you.

It is very important for me to let you know that I will not let you down.

I will not let you down.

I will make you feel like you are wanted.

I will make you feel better than you’ve ever felt.

It makes me feel whole to make you feel wanted and loved. I would like to do that again and again.

Is it morning already?

Saturday, May 18, 2013

A Night in Corsica


Whenever Rick paused in the middle of a sentence, his friends grew steadily concerned. Not because they were under the impression that he could be experiencing the early onset of dementia, or that he may be suffering a series of minuscule strokes, or that he may have a learning disability that perhaps had remained dormant or unexamined throughout his relatively young life. No, his friends were concerned that whenever Rick paused, they had to, for once - for one excruciating, blisteringly intense moment - they had to acknowledge that someone, somewhere, had managed to tear their attention away from the omnipresent parade of WWF announcers that continually burst their way into this airport men’s room.  Their suits, those microphones – those ticker tape parades! Our youth has vanished! Hoyt! Pamela!!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Concerts


I never went to that Cocteau Twins concert, but I deeply regret it to this day.
In fact, I regret all concerts I did not attend.
This is because I have lived too much within the confines of prescribed behavior.
I have neglected to pay attention to the sheer amount of concerts.
I have never sought out publications that could have guided me toward more concerts.
I have not trusted those who have recommended concerts.
I have not shown emotion during live performance acts.
I have been reticent to display behavior remotely related to abandon.
I have allowed preconceived notions to mollify my judgment.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Log Line


BEGIN MUSIC HUMOR

I started out playing tambourine for a J. Geils cover band, then graduated to playing maracas for a Southside Johnny cover band, took a short detour playing congas for a George Thorogood cover band, and wrapped up my career playing marimba in a Boz Scaggs cover band – until everyone told me to become a road manager for Gnarls Barkley, which made me enough money to buy an apartment in London and work for EMI. Right after that, though, I foolishly invested my life savings in a glossy magazine startup aimed at fans of lactating pornography, and ended up filling water glasses at the restaurant in the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City while spending late nights wishing I could audition for NRBQ.

END MUSIC HUMOR

Friday, April 01, 2011

Acknowledgments

Because this is my first work of nonfiction, one which was written over the course of 5 years, I would be remiss – if not utterly oblivious – if I did not thank the numerous people who have supported me. They allowed me to grow as a writer, and it is my hope that they will not regret it. They, too, are the authors of this book.

Primarily, however, I would like to thank those who did not assist me in any way. These people I actually do not know, nor have I ever met, yet they acted as my mentors, fed me, and treated me as if I were their own son:

Braithewaite Saltonstall, Terry Sacks, Dr. Keith Fulton, Jennie Samms, Ed Foster, Bela Tomar, Marjorie Rubenstein, Colt Finch, Niles Hertmann, Pip Timmons, and Roger Campbell

A writer needs friends. He depends on them, even. None of the following people are my friends, but their honesty, easy-going nature, and dependability got this writer through very difficult (and lean!) years:

Victor Underwood, Sami Mansour, Holly Rockwell, Marston Upton Templeton, Anatole Trucks, Lars Toomey, and Carole Ann Hagopian.

I would also like to thank the following colleagues who did not act as proofreaders. While it is true that they were not given the chance to patiently proofread my manuscripts, and it is equally true that I’ve never heard of these people, I feel as if I owe them a debt of gratitude simply for giving me the confidence to routinely rethink and edit some of my book’s most crucial passages:

Les Cameron Hoyt, Melinda Hayes-Wickham, Orlando Joanes, Lucinda Ng, Hope Wallace, Eames Whizzick, Darshana Coyle, Sandor Forgacs, and Duke Rinkus.

A work such as this could not have been completed without the support of the dedicated staff at various international archives and libraries. Three names worth mentioning are Reece Farnham at Yale University Library, Stacy Jeffords at the University of Illinois, and Cosima Moretti at the Adbus Salam International Centre for Theoretical Physics. Although I did not consult nor visit with any of the preceding people (I’m not sure what kind of writer you think I am), without their completely bogus existence, this project would still be in the preliminary stages.

Five years is a long time, and I couldn’t have done it without the good people at Simon & Schuster, who are not my publisher. A special thanks to Franklyn Baird, who was not the editor of my book, nor is he anything other than a fake name. We did it!

Finally, I am blessed with the nonexistence of a loving family, who fill my days with joy. This work of nonfiction is for them.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Gorn Erb (1903-2006)

The nation is mourning one of its premier avant-garde composers, Gorn Erb, who passed away November 1st after complications from a recent stroke. He was 103. Although largely forgotten for decades, new research has shown that Erb’s musical efforts pre-date nearly every important sonic experiment of the 20th century.

Born in Varaklani, Latvia, Erb immigrated with his parents to the United States in 1911, where they settled in the Rockaway section of Brooklyn. According to his unfinished memoirs, the young Erb tired of school almost immediately, eventually stealing away one winter night aboard a freight train. The next few years were spent as a transient, until 1917, when he mysteriously reappears in a Los Angeles photo as an assistant to Jesse Lasky, future boss of Paramount Studios (“I remember nothing from that period,” Erb said.)

His memory notwithstanding, records show that Erb had somehow learned to read and write music exceptionally well, having staged, arranged, and conducted performances of avant-garde works by Schoenberg and Webern in the Los Angeles area as early as 1923. However, in 1925, in a half-page manifesto published in the Hollywood Citizen-News, Erb declared chamber music “dopey” and that “The future of American music lies in the sound of metals….clashing metals.”

Erb’s life changed in 1927 with the premiere of his first major work, Typhus, an hour long composition in which an actual bulldozer plows through the orchestra pit during the second movement. It’s one and only performance caused a small riot. Ira Gershwin, visiting from New York, suffered a slipped disc during the melee, apparently in an attempt to free his companion, Mary Pickford, from under a sheet of dislodged plywood.

Despite the controversy, Erb was now in demand. He traveled to Paris the following year to present his Three Movements for Brass Band and Wire Recorder. Although no accounts of the performance exist, it can be considered the very first electronic music composition, predating by decades similar works by such luminaries as Halim El-Dabh and Karlheinz Stockhausen. Only the concurrent experiments by inventor Léon Theremin in New York City can remotely compare, although Erb himself thought little of his rival, calling him a “tin-eared, small-minded peasant” in a letter to the Times.

Meanwhile, Erb spent the early 1930s in Brazil on a grant, creating a series of microtonally tuned instruments out of coastal detritus. Microtonal compositions performed on homemade folk instruments were thought to have been the brainchild of American “outsider” composer Harry Partch. However, new evidence suggests that Partch may in fact have been influenced by a pictorial account of the Brazilian premiere of Erb’s mammoth work, Slums of the Obsessed, a three-day “pageant” in one lengthy movement which utilized the aforementioned instruments, a “chorus of boat horns,” numerous sopranos whom Erb had shipped to Rio de Janeiro, and, most significantly, a dozen radios. Although reports confirm that the piece was recorded, no copies have surfaced. “Radio is not the future. Radio is the past! Radio is not information. Radio is music! Man, I’m thirsty.” – Gorn Erb, 1932.

The years 1933-1951 were the most prolific of Erb’s career. Subsiding on the generosity of patrons from five continents, Erb produced hundreds of compositions, and oversaw at least eighty performances of his works – most of which prominently featured the shortwave radio. Erb found his instrument in the shortwave, manning several of them from behind a center-stage console during his elaborate stage shows, which took weeks of rehearsal and left musicians exhausted. Most famous of these pieces was Threnody for the Burning Supermarket. Aaron Copland, after witnessing Erb conduct the piece in Mexico City, said, “At one point a singer…it was a tenor, I think…actually tackled Mr. Erb from behind his console. Mr. Erb followed with a roundhouse kick – it was very powerful, I don’t mind telling you. Right to the tenor’s neck. It laid him out cold, and they continued to play while he lay there moaning and bleeding…Despite the interruption, I am quite convinced that shortwave radio is here to stay in important, modern music. It is vital!”

Although he embraced the sounds of technology, Erb himself eschewed the phonograph, preferring instead the essential experience of live music. Few of Erb’s works from this period were captured on record, and those that were released were pressed on 78rpm in extremely limited, hand-painted editions on his own private label, Oscillation Records. As if to voice his negative opinions on mass-marketed music, Erb’s works began to take on an element of theatricality during the 1950s, which distanced himself somewhat from his followers in the press. Causing another storm of debate was the historic New York premiere of Sonata for Woodwinds and Erratically Flying Hatchets. Erb liked to mention that John Cage, in the audience that evening, was so moved by the piece he had to run from the theater. Cage’s diaries do not mention the concert, although an entry for that week does mention a visit to a Greenwich Village hospital for cuts and bruises.

Perhaps sensing the mammoth popularity of youth-oriented rock music that was to blossom, Erb went into semi-retirement in 1960, settling into a cottage in Brattleboro, Vermont. Although he occasionally acted as an anonymous producer (Ligeti’s Atmospheres; The Leaves – Hey Joe), Erb began composing at home using only sound samples from his massive collection of recordings. Editing on magnetic tape, Erb became the father of The Sample, sometimes creating ten minute pieces culled from drum fills on big band 78s, which he would play to visitors. Poet Frank O’Hara remembered one such piece, saying “It was a drone, an undulating groan that went on for hours – later, he told us that it was one note from a Gene Pitney song slowed down fifty times. What a card!” Unfortunately, that piece and hundreds of other tapes were destroyed in a warehouse fire in 1985.

Erb was not a fan of rock music per se, despite his experiments. In 1976, for instance, he caused a ruckus backstage during an Emerson, Lake and Palmer concert in San Antonio for trying to electrocute Keith Emerson after the keyboardist purposefully destroyed a Korg Lambda ES-50.

Gradually, his composing stopped, and Erb seemed to prefer the simple pleasures of his rustic lifestyle. He would lecture occasionally at nearby Bennington College, tend his garden, and write letters. In 1990, music historian and author Nicholas Sloniminsky coaxed Erb out of retirement for a four-day festival of his work in Bremen. Erb was in rare form, taking time to visit Latvia and his home town of Varaklani where he was greeted with a parade. The festival concluded with Erb’s last commissioned work, One Final Opera For You People, conducted by guest conductor John Adams.

Gorn Erb spent the rest of his years in seclusion, although neighbors maintain he was content. In accordance with his wishes, his ashes have been sent to Ron Popeil.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Punishment Park

There will be no time for your bad behavior. There will no longer be any acceptance of these games. Do you hear me? You were funny at first, and the group of us blithely accepted you, if I may say. When you interrupted the Health Task Force with your inane spreadsheets about famine control via Atari – we chuckled. We had no idea what you meant, but we chuckled. Darren even invited you out on his fishing boat. And when Larry was preparing his presentation on the ongoing dialogue between "Third World" nations to combat infectious diseases, you showed up to the meeting wearing nothing but a barrel. Who wears a barrel to a meeting? So. This is it. You will step outside every day at 3PM, and you will clap the erasers. You will clap every goddamn eraser in this building, do you hear me? Go ahead and cry. Baby!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Cost of Living

Following up from the last entry. The main reason I haven't posted anything on this blog for eight months is simple: I had the sniffles. But it's more than that, really. When I think back to those lazy, halcyon days of January 2006, my entire being is consumed with painful nostalgia. Some people, in the midst of such a fit, might describe a flashing series of sepia memories, the ubiquitous dream-sequence made up of faded Polaroids, perhaps. Others describe a sudden notion, one moment, one minute of time where finally, the life they were experiencing was pronounced ephemeral, at last. It becomes beautifully apparent that they too, and everything else, will eventually pass. Not me. No, January of 2006 doesn't feel that way to me. It essentially remains, and forever will remain, the one month of my life where every move I made was narrated by Joe Besser.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Test Subject

It’s been quite some time since I’ve contributed writing to this page. There’s an easy explanation for that: for five weeks I was a test subject for a new psychoactive drug at a university that shall go unnamed. Both friends and relatives begged me to reconsider, but what can I say, I embarked on this adventure solely for the advantage of extra money to buy rare 78s. It paid $5,000. It’s not as if I’m hard up; I have a fine job, almost zero debt, and can easily afford all the necessities. But the promise of extra cash was too good to be true.

Doctor Z didn’t even mention the name of the drug until the third or fourth day I had been coming in for doses and observation. He called it Orchestrex. I started on a low dose of 50 milligrams per day. To be truthful, I felt slightly different the moment I had my first taste, but I didn’t let on. The Doctor just stood there waiting for a reaction, grinning peculiarly, after he first injected me. But I was determined not to let this little side gig interfere with my normal life, and strolled out of there as fast as I could to get to work.

Day 7: So far, so good. Several days ago, Doctor Z told me the story behind the drug. He was looking for types particularly attuned to music and harmonics, and said the drug would stimulate that sensitivity further, eventually allowing the subject’s brain to create symphonies out of everyday sound – all in one’s head. At least, he hoped. Or a drug company hoped. Doctor Z expressed a desire to create an alternate world of sound that would balance out noise pollution. An interior ambience, of sorts. I’m skeptical, but what can I do? Hey, I love music, what the hell – if it actually works it’ll be like someone else in my head humming for me. All I’ve felt so far is a slight numbing. A little disappointing, I’m afraid.

The Doctor upped the dosage considerably during the third week – 500 milligrams, twice a day. It was kind of miffed about this, as it meant I had to travel back to the office two times a day – an irksome commute and difficult to explain to my boss. However, the thoughts of rare, fascinating old records kept dancing in my head. Finally I might be able to afford a mint disc of music from Malta, or Madagascar! I’d settle for just one of each!

Day 21: Three weeks on this drug and the only result I can describe to Doctor Z is that my body feels a little numb. That’s it. He’s pretty crestfallen, but I’m the one pumping myself full of narcotics. I suppose it could be worse – there are a myriad of other side effects I could be burdened with: blurry vision, loose bowels… I have a feeling Z is going to make me come in for doses three times a day next week, which seems dangerous.


I was correct in my thoughts. Doctor Z, in a fit of what, to me, seemed like brazen malpractice, upped my dosage to 1000 milligrams of Orchestrex, thrice daily. I started on a Monday, and by the time I had left his office and gotten on the freeway to head back to work, I knew the drug’s supposed effects were beginning to show. I pulled up to the corner of Sepulveda and Wilshire and felt nauseous with all the noise – it seemed every car horn, idling engine and acceleration was tuned precisely to “Let ‘Em In” by Wings. I pulled over to a payphone and called the Doctor. “You didn’t say anything about fuckin’ Paul McCartney!” “Relax. It’s starting to work – think of the music you love! Just focus on something and your subconscious, coupled with the drug, should take over.”

I exhaled, imagining Paul McCartney floating away with my breath, then concentrated on something simple – a twenties dance band number by Ben Pollack and His Park Central Orchestra. It worked. Soon, I was floating back to work on the freeway with a dopey smirk, the entire world around me in one of my favorite cartoonish, jumpy 1920s songs: “Futuristic Rhythm.” Instead of the dank hum of highway white noise, it was a small pickup band in Victor Studios in New York, playing away. My brain was indeed replacing extraneous sound, sound that wasn’t directed at me, with music. Although I hadn’t thought I had memorized this Ben Pollack tune, the Doc said that it, along with almost anything I had listened to more than once, lay dormant in my brain until stimulated by the Orchestrex. My fellow drivers – the men in tuxedos, the women in classy nightclub attire, all driving to Roseland in 1929 in their Nissan SUVs.

Day 30: I’m riddled with needle marks, but ecstatic in most other ways. Each morning I get up, I turn on the water to wash my face and instead of the noise of water, I hear a string quartet. A little typical I have to admit, but not, on the whole, unwelcome. Maybe I can change it to something more unique as time goes by. But how the hell is this happening? I turn on the television, exude a modicum of concentration, and instead of the crass Trident commercial, one of my favorite Ethiopian jazz pieces plays – with no voice over! Work has been a bit of problem – I sit like a chimp in my cubicle sweating and laughing. It’s a good thing I didn’t have any meetings next week, but if the Doctor wants to crank up the dosage, I’ve gotta take a couple of personal days. There’s no way one can function in a musical euphoria – I’d never hear the end of it from Lucille or Hanrahan. I can’t even hear the alarm clock, for God’s sake.

And up the dosage, he did. The courts later called it a “profound lapse in judgement” but I always stood up for the man. He and I were definitely on the same wavelength by the end of this experiment, despite the bumps in the road. At the start of my fifth week on Orchestrex, Doctor Z simply had me hooked up to a portable IV-unit which I would administer seven periodic doses of 3000 milligrams, per day. That’s 21,000 milligrams of Orchestrex in a 24-hour period. Okay, so he had no idea what he was doing. He did remember to tell me to be sure and eat square meals. Beyond that though, he wasn’t prepared. I showed up at his office, dripping sweat, after about 4 hours with the IV, and I could barely stand on my feet. My skin was visible through my wet clothes – tracks raced up and down my arms and legs. He propped me up on a chair and spoke. I couldn’t understand a word. It was shrieking feedback. A plume of projectile vomit came out of my mouth – but along with the vomit came the shriek of “Movin’ Out” by Billy Joel.

Doctor Z instantly clamped my mouth shut and looked around skittishly. “Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute…Okay, slowly…open…your mouth one more time.” I had no idea what he was trying to say, and winced back at him. He grabbed my jaw and forced it open, blaring a few thunderous, vomit-reeking bars of “More Than a Feeling” by Boston. The Orchestrex overdose had finally been reached. Overjoyed, he admitted me to the hospital, wheeled me to an abandoned room in the basement, set up an 8-track tape recorder and simply ordered me to open my mouth. For the remaining six days of my drug trial, Doctor Z kept me on the Orchestrex IV, recording dozens of tapes. His hands jittered as he opened each package of Ampex tape and threaded the reels. I don’t know what the hell he was hoping to capture – my constitution was so weak at that stage, the only songs I could think of were the easiest, the most banal. Extended dance mixes. Disco vamps. The sound that tumbled out of my open mouth was corroded. If all I could muster was something like “I’m Your Boogie Man”, with it’s repetitive beat and phrasings, the noise that came out of me was like KC and the Sunshine Band Live In a Ukrainian Septic System. Ancient, belched, and crude roarings.

I woke up in a moving taxi with five grand in my pocket. I asked the driver who put me here, but all he could muster was “the people.” Jesus! I called work and said I was going to be a little late and, typically, they barely expressed concern. I went home, showered and ate a bowl of some kind of fiber-laden cereal and basically got my life back to normal within hours. Doctor Z called me that night saying that he couldn’t tell me where he was, but he thanked me, and said not to pay attention to the bad things that would inevitably be said about him in the newspapers. He said he hoped I would be able to track down some of the tougher 78s in order to spend the extra money. I told him I was already on it, and had some connections in Europe who have access to some seriously rare African sides. The connection got fuzzy, and we said goodbye. Orchestrex went on the market as a mild stimulant, in 50 milligram pills.

Sketch for Children's Show

Darren! WONDERFUL to see you. Come here quickly – I want you to meet this simply marvelous little man. Darren Phelps, this is the gentleman who’s been entertaining us with such eloquent aplomb this evening. His name is V.H. Chesterton Coggs, and he’s been regaling us with stories from his latest book: Polo at Crown Manor. Have you read it?

The host’s eye sockets engorged and flexed into grossly exaggerated proportions as a thick fog crowded its way into the ornately decorated sitting room. The words to this conversation, which had actually taken place some seventy-five years ago in Bristol, England, materialized in mid-air and left the room, sucked up through a time-space continuum and within moments, inexplicably crept out of the mouths of a middle-aged couple who were shopping for ball gags.

“Is it possible to ever have enough ball gags?” one asked the other, in a whisper.
“No, sweetheart. It never is. It never is.”

Overcome with emotion, the store clerk wept.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bless the Beasts and the Children, Reprise

I was late for the Prom, and it was cold on Baffin Bay. Probably about twenty-five below zero, but the wind kicked it up a notch. She said she was going to pick me up in the Land Rover, but she was late, as usual. I didn’t want to go to this thing...I sat at the table, watching the light snow drift into shapeless bundles, and decided it was probably time to lumber into my bedroom and, in perfect adolescent hangdog manner, dress into the old tuxedo that Dad had loaned me.

Although the pants, shirt, and vest fit snugly, I was missing something. A cummerbund. I remember this irked me so viciously I began pacing, worrying that if I was actually going to attend this event, I at least wanted to be in the proper outfit. Dad was on tour with the band again and couldn’t be reached. I peeked out the window. No sign of headlights.

The phone rang. It was her – she was on her way and would be there in five minutes. I said okay – and looked around the house for anything that would act as a cummerbund double. And then it hit me. I grabbed a machete and a thick log from the workroom, threw on a coat and raced outside into the snow. At the edge of the bay was a walrus, curled next to a rock. I hammered its head as hard as I could over and over again, until I was sure it was at least unconscious. It let out a snotty moan, then I proceeded to hack off its rear third. Once I had removed the flesh chunk, I sliced it horizontally, revealing its lower digestive tract. As carefully as I could in the wind, I carved out the walrus’ rectum.

The animal hadn’t eaten recently so the rectum wasn’t too messy as I washed it in the workroom sink. There was a beep outside, and I knew that this situation, and perhaps most hardships I'd be confronted with in life would work out just fine. Beautifully, in fact. I stretched the clean walrus rectum around my waist, and was so confident I didn’t even bother to look in the mirror before I went back outside in the snow.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Dawn Breaks

Dennis looked around the kitchen aimlessly – an unnerving quiet had settled into the morning.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” said Marie.
“Why?”
“Because!”
“Because why?”
“Why “because”?”
“Because!”
“Because why?”
“Because it’s over.”
“Why?”
“Because!”
“Because why?”
“People are starting to talk, that’s why.”
“What people?”

Marie looked around the kitchen aimlessly – the psychedelics had started to kick in.

“Yolanda, Phyllis, Bitsy, Myrtle, Gladys, Hope, Yvette—“
“Okay! Fine, I get it.”
“Bess, Lucille, Taylor, Midge, Hope, Mildred, Eunice, A…..a………”

Marie stared off. The corners of the room suddenly had acquired what seemed like a radical change in depth.